Life is full of little disappointments. I remember my first visit to the Vatican, when I came to Italy to visit Joel when he was studying abroad in 2006. I was still a very green Catholic, and enamored of all things connected to the faith, so naturally I was super excited to finally see Saint Peter's and all that jazz. Alas, I was ill prepared for the tourist trap that it actually is: crowded with people elbowing each other out of the way for pictures, talking loudly, and generally lacking any respect or reverence for a holy place. They herd tour groups through the Sistine Chapel like cattle, shouting "Silenzio!" and "No foto!" every thirty seconds or so while people jabber away loudly and try to sneak pictures anyway. Joel told me that he was horrified during one of the papal audiences he attended inside St. Peter's basilica, when people were climbing onto seats and sculptures like apes to get a better view of the pope (who - Benedict XVI at the time - looked just like Emperor Palpatine and wasn't that great of a pope anyway).
The papal address we attended two weeks ago was a similar affair. We mailed in a request for our tickets beforehand, just like we were supposed to, but when we went to pick them up the day before - after waiting in line for two hours, because you must pick up your tickets in person - they didn't have our request on file. Lucky for me, the guy at the counter felt sorry for me and gave me two tickets anyway, but when we showed up the next day over an hour early, the square was still jam-packed. We were in the middle of a gaggle of French Catholics who were deliriously excited to see His Holiness, and had colored flags to wave as he drove by in the popemobile to prove it. It was raining. I stood there in the drizzle, listening to a simple ten-minute speech on vocations get summarized in eight different languages (rather than just providing subtitles on the screens) and watching people stand on their toes just to see him (because obviously seeing him - and filming him on your smartphone - is way more important than anything he might have to say), and wondered simultaneously how an organization like the Vatican could have such piss-poor administrative capacity and why I had missed an opportunity to sleep in. After all, I can read Pope Francis' writings from the comfort of this lovely apartment any time I choose and look up his face on the internet.
Speaking of the internet, the Vatican really should learn to use it. But apparently, so should I.
I have been diligently looking for work for about a month now. Federal, state, and local government positions, as well as jobs with private firms and government contractors. Unbeknownst to me, however, these efforts have been a waste...because I was unaware that, in order for my resume to even reach a pair of human eyes, I apparently have to outsmart a fucking computer.
Call me stupid, or ignorant, or old-fashioned. My first "real" job was a fellowship that I applied for by sending in paper materials; for the position after that, I simply sent in my resume and a cover letter, and got a call a week later. We got our positions in Korea by using a recruiter. I have done the job application dance plenty of times and have always had at least one or two interviews each time; there were plenty of positions I never heard back from and lots of rejections, but I always figured it was because of my relative lack of experience. This time, however - with five years of solid work experience under my belt - I was wondering why I was having the same experience. I chatted with a former colleague from the Texas health department who got an interview, and she told me that you have to copy and paste words and phrases from the vacancy to get past the computer that screens your resume.
I dug a bit further and discovered that apparently every major company and government agency uses resume screening software to filter applications using "key words" from the vacancy announcement, then rank the resumes according to relevance. So if, for example, "oral communication" is listed as a required skill in the vacancy, listing that I was a teacher for a year and half will do me no good unless I write ridiculous sentences like "Used oral communication extensively to fulfill position requirements." Need to know how to use Outlook? Never mind that an ape could use Microsoft Outlook, or that any time in any government agency means that you have used it; if you don't use the words "Microsoft Outlook" in the list of responsibilities, your application gets tossed by the software. Don't list an address? Tossed out. List your contact information in a header? The software can't read it, and your resume is tossed. "We'll keep your application on file"? Don't bet on it.
To a certain extent, I understand the need for this. I read one anecdote of an engineering job that received 25,000 resumes. The internet means that now, quite literally, anyone can apply for any job, regardless of whether or not they are even remotely qualified. In fact, from what I read this weekend, about half of the several thousand applicants per vacancy don't even have the basic qualifications listed in the announcement. So if you are having trouble finding work, blame the newly-graduated psychology major who is sending off his resume to every single vacancy that he can find during his wine-soaked late-night trolling of job vacancies on Monster.com.
Like me, I think a lot of people don't quite believe it, but I tried it anyway just to see if anything would be different. On Friday, I applied for three positions with the Texas health department, carefully copying and pasting words and phrases from the job posting into logical parts of my resume. Lo and behold, today the website tells me that I am currently being "screened" for one of them, which is more than I can say for the other 30-some-odd jobs that just say "Application Complete" or "Not Selected."
Progress, I suppose, but it doesn't fix the dozens of resumes I have already sent into various HR black holes before I figured this out. My goal now is to secure a permanent government job where I can be slightly inefficient, get awesome benefits, and never be fired. I have been lighting candles in churches all over Rome in prayer for such an opportunity.
If all else fails, I suppose Korean hagwons will always be there.
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