For most of my life, I have never been the kind of person who makes friends easily. Wherever I went, I usually had a small collection of close friends that I would spend time with individually, but I never really had a social circle per se because I never fit in anywhere. There are some people (like Joel, or my friend who lives in Beijing, or our friend Austin back home) who are naturally gifted at making friends and getting people to like them. I have always been envious of that kind of gift - I'll be the first to admit that I have an overwhelming tendency to come across as abrasive and straightforward. On top of that, a lingering social awkwardness from being made fun of my rich kids during my childhood years makes it impossible for me to strike up conversations with strangers.
Throughout my high school and college years, I put on a façade of being proud of my abrasiveness. This is who I am, I figured, and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't deserve to be my friend and can go f*** themselves. It was a useful defense mechanism until I grew out of it...unfortunately, by then my old habits were so ingrained that I couldn't shake them. I eventually got better and meeting new people, but there were some old friends from college that I was just bitchy to all the time. Even when I wanted to stop, I found myself falling back into familiar patterns of aggressive banter.
As intimidating as it was to be thrust in with a group of complete strangers here in Korea, I was grateful for the opportunity to remake myself. Here was a chance to prove that I could be polite, caring, cheerful, supportive. Helpful. My co-teachers were a clean slate, the chance to prove to the world - or maybe just myself - that I could more than the girl who always finds something to give you a hard time about. Not to be fake, but just to be a more positive version of myself. Or something. By and large it has worked out well so far (I think) - if my co-workers don't like me, they do a damn good job of pretending they do.
Alas, you cannot please everybody all the time unless you are a puppy or a kitten that never throws up on the rug. Some days we are just off...and some days I am still a social idiot.
I upset one of my friends during a conversation at work today. It wasn't anything serious - I jumped into a conversation too quickly because I was trying to be helpful and probably just came across as a know-it-all. People get over that sort of thing. But it spoiled our plans for the evening and left me with a bad taste in my mouth, particularly after spending a whole hour this morning trying (unsuccessfully) to order an effing Halloween costume from G-market. (Different story for a different entry.)
It seems that what I have done more than anything since I have come here has been to think - to think about people and how they tick, how they fit together and get along with each other, how they cope as immigrants or students or teachers or when they are in desperate situations. So tonight, after Joel cooked dinner and took off to play darts, I cleaned the apartment and set off on a nighttime hike to think.
Side note: Cheseok-san (the ridge that runs behind our neighborhood) is quiet and well-lit at night. It was a lovely walk.
I thought about why I had jumped into the conversation in the first place, why it had bothered my friend, and why the fact that I had butted heads with my friend in such a small way affected me so much. Before we came here, while it still would have bothered me, I would have more or less shrugged it off after appropriate apologies were made, but that was then - when I still thought of myself as a lone wolf of sorts. I realized that since coming here, one of the things I have wanted most is for people to like me.
Turns out that when you actually care what people think, sticking your foot in your mouth stings a lot more.
The point of this isn't to fish for compliments, or solicit support, or anything like that. I apologized, and things are fine - relationship speedbumps are a fact of life. It is simply one of many reflections that I have had since coming here.
